Girl Hate

Living with five other girls here in Barcelona and being in a program that is largely female dominated, I am seeing gender roles magnified as of late. One glaring problem and common occurrence is an absurd amount of girl hate, body policing, and slut shaming.

Every day I hear a handful of comments about what Alex was wearing, how Lauren is "weird", the amount of makeup Jess decided to put on that day, or the "gross" amount of hookups Jen has had. The word bitch is used in excess in reference to other females, and hate is in the air everywhere.

Needless to say, it is hard to stomach. I was thinking to myself, "I can't believe I live with such mean people!" But then I realized that it's not just them, it's prevalent among so many young females and they don't even realize what they are doing.  

It's an epidemic of girl hate that needs to be put to rest!

We are told as girls, that we should hate other girls. A culmination of patriarchy, insecurity, and internalized misogyny have lead so many women to hate one another. You hear it in the media, in the hallways, and on the playground. Women are criticizing, judging, and hating one another for something as insignificant as their choice of crop top that morning. We as women are spending so much of our time hating one another, we forget to live our own lives and let other females do the same.

If we keep fighting with one another and hating one another how in the world are we going to come together to address the larger issues? How are we going to fight the patriarchy like the badass babes we are?

We need to learn to not only love ourselves, but love one another. We need to accept our differences and diversity. We need to think, hey maybe Jess feels really good with all that makeup on, go her! Jen is really sexually liberated, isn't that great? Alex looks amazing in those short shorts, her confidence is admirable!

I'm not saying you have to love every woman you meet. There is a difference between girl hate and and real hate (neither of which is very healthy). But we need to stop throwing harsh words and judgement at other women because society has taught us to do so. No more constant competition, comparison, and judgement. Let's try to support and respect our fellow sisters and create a community of acceptance and girl-love! Because we all know once that happens, there's no stopping us.

Critical or Negative?

I'm sure every feminist or activist of any sort has heard the line,
"Why do you have to be so negative?"

The word negative said with disdain and a look as if you are the killer of all joy.
That's of course where the term feminist killjoy comes in.

But the question I am posing today is where the line is drawn between being negative and being critical? Does that line even exist at all?

In my experiences I have found that my critical outlook and social justice tirades have been viewed by others as negativity.
"Why do you have to see the bad in everything?"

There seems to be a large scale equation of negativity to any sort of critical thought or analysis. But in my opinion there is a difference between being negative and being critical.

First let's take a look at the definition of these two words:

Critical: using or involving careful judgment about the good and bad parts of something
Negative: (of a person, attitude, or situation) not desirable or optimistic.

Being negative is "criticism" with no reasoning or intent to be constructive. You know those people who hate everything just because they can? Negativity serves no useful purpose, it's mainly an expression of opinion.
Example: I hate that show.

Being critical to me means taking a deeper look at things. Analyzing merits & faults, and recognizing what else needs to be done. So while criticism can appear to be negative, it is not inherently so. Critical thought, especially in relation to issues of social justice, is not only important but necessary. We need to constantly be questioning, analyzing, and looking for ways to make things better and more inclusive.
Example: I really don't like that show because it portrays harmful stereotypes of women of color.

The main difference here is impact. Negativity is negative for its own sake, it ends there. Being critical is pointing out things that are problematic, which is the first step to change.

Negativity is the sign of a pessimist, critical thought is the sign of an activist. (You can also be both!)

So the next time your friend calls you negative for bringing critical thought to the conversation, know that what you have to say is valuable; even if they don't think so.

Queer Fashion

On Being Hard Femme

Let me start off saying I have always found labels problematic. Whether it's been gay, straight, femme, butch, or what have you; I never wanted to be put into a box. I was one of those girls in high school who when asked to define my sexuality, I purposefully said "I'd rather not."

But in recent years I've come to see the power in some labels (emphasis on some). Let me rephrase myself again, I have come to see the power in self proclaimed labels. I am happy to label myself queer and femme to name a few (words you will see used in excess on my blog). That being said, I don't support the assholes walking down the street who feel they have the power to label whomever they chose. For me there is a real power in self labeling. It enables me to freely express who I find myself to be. It also allows me to add or drop a label at any time I see fit. 

My first encounters with the terms butch and femme had left me with a stale taste in my mouth. When first "entering" the queer world, I found them to be alienating and limiting. I felt, as many do, an immense pressure to conform to one or the other. How could a community who thrives off of nonconformity be pushing me into more boxes? I didn't define myself as either, but femme was thrust upon my lipstick-wearing long-haired self.

I was introduced to the term hard femme by my friend Lilly a year or two later. She's a fellow queer with an affinity for muddy fields and floral dresses. We both didn't want to deal with assumptions about gender roles in our relationship, didn't want to shave our legs, got dolled up to go out, and were forces to be reckoned with. Hard femme? That sounded more my style.

HARD FEMME-

Not to be mistaken with the typical femme, the "hard femme" describes herself as "queer", is political, looks more feminine than masculine, and if prompted, can kick some serious ass. She doesn't need to "wear the pants" in a relationship- the hard femme rules with a dress. She not only despises the gender binary, she works to dismantle it. 

(^Seems urban dictionary got something right for once.)

This is what being a hard femme means to me:

• As my partner puts it, "i'll kick your ass and leave a red lipstick mark."
• I challenge stereotypical constructions of femininity
• I wear dresses with studded combat boots 
• I wear baggy jeans with heals
• I'm not defined by my gender, but do embrace it

So while I realize labels such as femme can be limiting and problematic,  I support those who ch0ose to align themselves with a certain identity. I individually choose the label hard femme. It's a way for me to express myself. And if you have a problem with my self expression, just remember, I can kick your ass.